A Modernized Catmas Carol
by Jemibub
Summary: Well... the Cats (from Cats) do a parody of a version of a musical we did many a time last year at school. They sing Les Mis in there too! It's not just Cats so you'll probably like it. R/R please. PS. Why have 10 people read it but only 1 reviewed it!?!
1. A Modernized Catmas Carol- Part One

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# A Modermized Catmas Carol- Part One

### **Note:**

This takes place in the "alternate version" of "Jellicle Songs for Jellice Humans" in which Erin and Misto actually DID like each other. It hasn't been posted yet so don't worry about missing it. But this means, that Erin and Misto are "dating" (or the 'Cats' equivalent of it) and Yulanda and Pounce kind of are. Why? Because the Tugger and Erin relationship really bothers me so... yeah.   
Also... it was supposed to be in two different colors, but that doesn't seem to work, so things out of the play are in {}s. Now, on to the story! 

{_Erin and Yulanda (Elandy) are sitting on their high school theater's stage appearing to be hosting a… tea party? Elandy has a lovely china doll and Erin has a teddy bear that doesn't even have fur on its torso-just red cotton._

Erin: _(in an exaggerated Cockney Accent)_ But Oi 'ate… _Greg_! _(she throws the teddy bear across the room.)_

Elandy: _(with an exaggerated upper class British Accent)_ Eeek! Don't do that! Greg! 

Erin: Oi'll do wot Oi loike. 

Elandy: Enguard! _(she jumps up into the 'Enguard' position)_

Erin: _(she salutes Elandy)_ Er... Yer supposed ta salute. 

Elandy: I do not salute people of _your_ station. 

Erin: _(shrieks)_ Enguard! 

_The girls launch into an elaborate sword fight complete with jumping over the sword as it goes under their feet, ducking beneath the sword, going into the splits to avoid the swing and doing backflips over dropped swords. Finally, Elandy gets her sword "stuck" in the "ground". Erin walks over to 'Greg', stabs him in the chest and begins circling him._

Erin: Oi 'ate _Greg!_

Elandy: Don't do that to Greg! 

Erin: Oi'll do wot Oi loike, you pukin' dizzy-eyed measle. _(She walks off-stage twirling her sword.)_

Elandy: _(finally dislodges her sword - and runs after Erin)_ Argh, I hate you! _(the last thing we hear is a scream from Erin. Both girls walk back onto the stage and sit down on the edge of it)_

Erin: That was a pretty good rehearsal. 

Elandy: Yeah, I guess. 

Erin: Anyway, I don't think we should rehearse anymore because then we'll know it too well and not pay attention at the performance and screw it up. 

Elandy: _(thinks for a minute)_ Okay. So why are we here anyway? 

Erin: We're waiting for then Jellicles to come in here complaining about their roles so that we can start our production of "A Modernized Christmas Carol". 

Elandy: Why are we making them do one of our Erin's Basement/Performance Class plays, anyway? 

Erin: Because it's a relativity good play and you wanted to have them do it. You thought Misto would make a cute "Scott". 

Elandy: Oh, right. 

_The girls sit in silence for a minute. You can tell they're bored because Erin is humming show tunes and doing the motions with her arms. Elandy is tapping a rhythm with her heels on the edge of the stage. Suddenly Bombalurina loudly enters the theater carrying her wardrobe bag- costumes courtesy of their performance class productions._

Bomby: This is some weird production of "A Christmas Carol" you're making us do. You don't even have a Scrooge. And who's this Ivy character I'm playing? 

Erin: That's because it's not "A Christmas Carol". It's "A Modernized Christmas Carol". Some of the character's genders have been switched, we've added character, songs and plot twists. Anyway, Ivy is Scrooge. 

Bomby: What!?! I'm playing Scrooge? Why? 

Erin: Because I thought you'd be good in the role. Anyway, it's called "acting"- you know, pretending to be something your not? Where's everyone else? 

Bomby: They're coming, don't worry. 

_The other Jellicles enter the theater loudly talking._

Erin: Hey guys? _(they ignore her)_ Guys? _(they continue to ignore her)_ Shut up! _(they fall silent and stare at Erin)_ Okay, so we're doing "A Modernized Christmas Carol" which is this play we did a couple of times in my performance class. We've got good technical stuff and a nice theater so- 

Pounce: I've been meaning to ask you about that. Why are we in your high school theater anyway? 

Elandy: Um… I kind "borrowed" the key from the drama teacher? 

Pounce: That's my girl! 

Erin: _(rolls her eyes)_ Their not even really dating. Anyway, we must start now. Can everyone please go backstage and get into costume? We're starting in 5 minutes. First scene- Rachel DeLock and Charlie Dickens. 

_10 minutes later (after being yelled at multiple times by Erin) the cast is finally ready for the first scene…_} 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

**SCENE 1: The Spirit World**

_Cashel DeAndra and Charlie Dickens are sitting in the middle of a completely dark stage- except for a single white light trained on them. They are the narrator angels, dressed in white prom dresses, huge, sheer, white wings and tinsel halos. These characters are constantly onstage, watching, throughout the play. Anyway, the spotlight fades on and the play begins._

Cass: Hello and welcome to "A Modernized Catmas Carol". 

Teazer: We are yer narrator-type people. 

Cass: I am Cashel DeAndra. 

Teazer: An' Oi am Charles Dickens. {Wait a minute. Isn't Charles a boy's name? 

Erin: Well, yes… but your just pretending to be Charles Dickens. You're actually Charlie Dickens, his great-granddaughter. 

Teazer: _(considers that for a minute)_ Isn't Charlie a boy's name too? 

Erin: No. It's a boy-and-girl name. 

Teazer: Oi'm playin' a boy? Oi refuse! _(she removes her halo and stomps offstage. Erin is left staring at the stage.)_

Erin: How did that happen? 

Gus: Charles Dickens was a genius! 

Erin: _(patiently)_ Yes Gus. I'm glad to see you've learned Cassandra's part. But can we please get on with this? Who's 'Teazer's understudy? 

Gus: Only one person can play that role! 

Erin: _(sighs)_ Let me guess. Gus; the theater cat? 

Gus: Precisely! 

Erin: Alright, Gus. You can play Charlie. _(she snaps her fingers)_ Wardrobe? 

Tumble: We have wardrobe? 

Erin: Sure we do. Obviously very slow wardrobe though. _(she snaps her fingers again)_ Wardrobe? _(Tara and Lynn enter, carrying a wardrobe bag.)_

Tumble: Your friends Tara and Lynn are wardrobe? That's pathetic. 

Erin: Quiet you. They're incredibly effective. _(the girls step away from Gus who is now dressed in a white suit with the same wings and halo as Cassandra)_ I told you so. Anyway, let's go from Cassandra's line after Charlie claims to be Charles Dickens.} 

Cass: Yes, and- Hey, wait a minute! You're not Charles Dickens. 

Gus: Sure I am. 

Cass: A fem- _{(pauses)_ Er, Erin? This line doesn't exactly work anymore. 

Erin: _(shoots Rumpleteazer an 'I told you so' glare)_ Yeah, I know. Just go onto the next set of protests.} 

Cass: Charles Dickens was a 19th Century genius. 

Gus: Oh, I know. I know. So? 

Cass: So, you're not him! 

Gus: Oh ho ho- 

{Pounce: Who does he think he is? Santa Claus? 

Gus: Silence!} _(back in character)_ you got me there. I'm not Charles Dickens. I'm his great-granddaughter, then. But I'm still fully qualified to be narrator lad-er-guy. 

Cass: And why is that? 

Gus: Because I know the story of A Christmas Carol like the back of my hand. 

Cass: Well, then prove it. 

Gus: Fine. The Marleys were dead, to begin with. There is no doubt whatever about that. - 

Cass: Aw, ew, ew. What was that? 

Gus: That's how the story starts. Anyway, the Marleys were dead, to begin with. There is no doubt whatever about that. - 

Cass: _(sullenly)_ Who talks like that anyway? 

Gus: Just go with it. This is a classic. So, anyway, Ivy saw the death certificate herself. That's how she was sure. You'll meet Ivy in a bit. 

Cass: _(has been rolling her eyes at Gus' speech)_ Ivy Bombers was what some of us might call a rich bit- 

Gus: Hold it, Cashel! This is rated PG-13. 

Cass: Uh, a rich girl. Yes. Jelly Newsome was her employee. Overworked, underpaid- the typical type. 

Gus: And that's where you'll first meet Ivy. At her business, with her employee Jelly. 

{Erin: I seriously hope the next scene goes better. 

Pounce: Wow, you really haven't done this before.} 

**SCENE 2: Ivy's Office**   
_Ivy is working at her computer, wearing a suit composed of a long, black skirt with a slit up the side, a white blouse and a black "Buffy" jacket. Jelly is cleaning and wearing a cream and black checked skirt, a brown-white-green striped shirt and a scarf around her head. Charlie and Cashel are watching from the arch._

{Elandy: Hey! Why is Jelly wearing _my_ Holly costume? 

Erin: Because that's the only Holly costume we had in her size. 

Elandy: Oh, right. Heh, heh, just wait until Tara comes in here and sees Bomby in her Ivy costumes. Anyway… continue.} 

Gus: Here we are. Ivy's office. 

Cass: Christmas Eve, 2000. 

Jelly: _(approaches Ivy, shivering)_ Um, Miss Bombers? 

Bomby: Yes, and is there a point to this interruption of my work? 

Jelly: Um… the book keeping staff and I were wondering if, maybe, we could turn up the heat, just a little? It's awfully cold in here. 

{Bomby: I have a _staff?_ Cool! I mean… um… _(Erin nudges Yulanda who holds up a cue card)}_ And waste monkey… _(she squints at the cue card)_ Money! That's what you'd waste! And waste money? Put on a sweater. 

{Demi: Gosh, Bomby's mean. 

Elandy: Just wait until the scene you have with her. Bwahahahahahaha! 

Demi: That girl's just psychotic. 

Jelly: _Anyway.}_ Oh, okay. I'm sorry Miss Bombers. I don't know what I was thinking. 

_A clock chimes._

Bomby: Well, this is my quitting time. I expect to see you here at 8:00 sharp tomorrow. 

Jelly: Um… but tomorrow's Christmas Day! 

Bomby: Fine. You may come in at 8:30 then. 

Jelly: Half an hour? That's not exactly the custom on Christmas. 

Bomby: And what is? 

Jelly: Um, the entire day? _(she cringes)_

{Erin: Jelly, the stage directions says "she cringes" not "she stamps her foot in annoyance". 

Jelly: But this character is such a _wimp_! 

Erin: Yes, but she's a nice wimp who gets to sing so hurry up and follow instructions so we can get on to the song. 

Jelly: Fine. But she's still a wimp. 

Bomby: Ahem?} Christmas is a day to be hated and despised, just like any other day of the year. Apparently I'm the only person in the world who knows that. You may have the day off, just come in earlier the next day. 

Jelly: Yes ma'am. 

Bomby: Be sure to turn off the heat when you leave. If you forget, it's your pay that is docked, not mine. And I can be sure that you'd need the money. _(Ivy turns off her computer and leaves)_

{Tumble: Oooh, cold. 

Pounce: Yes. That's what happens when you turn the heat off. 

Tumble: That's not what I meant.} 

Jelly: Well, you've gotta admit she is work driven and effective. I just dream… 

{Tugger: As if that's not a song cue.} 

Jelly: I dreamed a dream in days gone by,   
When hope was high and life worth living.   
I dreamed that love would never die,   
I dreamed the Everlasting Cat would be forgiving.   
Then I was young and unafraid… 

{Alonzo: Why exactly is Jelly singing "I Dreamed a Dream"? 

Erin: _(sullenly)_ Why don't you ask Yulanda that? 

Elandy: _(shrugs)_ I thought it would fit. 

Erin: Yep. The second time we performed this Yulanda was playing Holly, she was obsessed with "Les Misérables" and we were doing script revisions to fit the new actors. All of a sudden Yulanda's like "Hey, Holly dreams! She should sing "I Dreamed a Dream"! I love to sing that song! And "I Dreamed a Dream" became a permanent part of the show. 

Jelly: Do you mind? Jellylorum here. Singing heart-tugging trademark song. 

Erin: It's not the show's trademark song. Anyway, everyone's getting restless so just skip to the end.} 

Jelly: I had a dream my life would beeeeeeeeeee,   
So different from this hell I'm living.   
So different now from what it seeeeeeeeeeeeemed.   
Now life has killed,   
The dream I dreeeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaameeeeeeeeeed! 

{Lec: Well, someone's a little excited about singing.} 

**SCENE 3: A Park On Ivy's Way Home**   
_Sitting on a park bench is Ivy's sister, Demimber, and her friends Vicette, Halectra and Olivabub. Vicette is joyfully dancing around the bench._

Vicky: Mmm, Christmas! Just smell that wonderful Christmas-y air! 

Lec: I know! It's all just so beautiful {-and full of sap.}

Sillabub: It's such a rush comin- 

{Jemima: _(jumps up, in the audience, pointing a finger at Sillabub)_ Ahhhhhhhh! It's _her_! 

Elandy: Yes, Jemima. We went to New York and stole Sillabub. 

Erin: We needed another random kitten. Just ignore her, okay? 

Jemi: But- but… she's evil. She's trying to _become_ me! 

Erin: Yes, we know that. You'll be safe for now and we're getting rid of her after this performance. Okay? 

Jemi: Okay… _(still watching Sillabub who grins evilly)_

Erin: Go from December's line.} 

Demi: I can't believe Christmas is finally here! 

Vicky: So what did you get your father for Christmas this year? 

Demi: Oh, I got him quite a few- 

Bomby: Demimber, do you have to talk to these _freaks?_

Demi: Why? What's wrong with them? 

Bomby: Well, if you really want to rub elbows with the middle-class and disgrace the family name, that's your own decision. 

{Pounce: Ooh, BURN! 

Erin: Elandy, your boyfriend's talking like the guys at school!} 

Demi: Oh, come on. They're really nice. You don't have to be rich to be worth something. 

Bomby: Of course you do. Look, De-mim-ber, I just had to spend the whole day at work I got tricked into giving Jelly Newsome the whole day off. I hate you, I hate Jelly, I hate this whole hick town- but most of all I hate Christmas! All that joy and good humor? Bah humbug! Let's go Demimber. 

{Jemi: But but… Christmas!!!!! _(tears begin to form)_

Bomby: Um… I was acting… 

Jemi: Right.} 

_So Ivy stalks away._

Demi: Sorry guys… I better go calm her down… 

_As Demimber runs after her sister we hear a bit of reflection…_

Lec: Bast, I can't believe you were ever friends with her. 

Vicky: Me neither… but I don't know… she used to be different. 

_On the way home the two sisters run into Skimble Mullins._

{Erin: And they run into Skimble… Skimbleshanks, you're in this scene! 

Skimble: I am? Sorry lass. _(runs onstage)_

Erin: _(shaking her head)_ Should have cast Alonzo as Kevin, should have cast Alonzo as Kevin.} 

Demi: Look, Ivy, look, look, look. It's Skimble. Don't you remember how he liked you in high school? Except you were going out with Scottelees. Hey- you guys should date now! 

Bomby: I think not. 

_Skimble notices the girls and walks over to them._

Skimble: Hello ladies. Ivy, you look beautiful as always. Demi- you look nice too. 

Bomby: Stuff it, Skimble. _(Skimble looks stricken and Ivy walks away)_

Demi: Oh, I'm sorry. She's had a terrible day, I'm sure she didn't mean it. 

Skimble: Yeah, whatever. 

Demi: _(runs to catch up with Ivy)_ Why'd you do that? 

Bomby: Maybe there isn't in your world, but in my world there is more to life then the guys. I have no use for guys. 

{Misto: Someone's going against their character. 

Bomby: Hey, yeah. Erin! 

Erin: Don't worry. Ivy gets a boyfriend by the end of the show. 

Bomby: Good.} 

_Skimble, Vicette, Halectra and Olivabub gather together to express their displeasure in- what else? Singing!_

Skimble, Vicky, Lec, Sillabub: There goes Mrs. Humbug,   
There goes Mrs. Grim.   
If they gave a prize for being mean,   
The winner would be Lynn! 

{Jemi: Lynn? I thought her name was Ivy. 

Erin: Well… it is, but we really wanted to put that song in there and Lynn was the only thing that would rhyme. Let's just say that her real name is Ivylyn. 

Sillabub: Ivylyn? That's a stupid name. 

Erin: This coming from the girl whose name is Sillabub…} 

**SCENE 3: Ivy's Living Room**   
_Ivy and Demimber are sitting on a couch in their living room. Ivy has changed into a slightly more casual suit (pants instead of a skirt) and Demimber's joy in the holiday season is reflected in her sweater._

{Tugger: Cats wearing clothes… madness. 

Pounce: And this isn't? 

Tugger: Good point. 

Erin: Quiet you.} 

Demi: Why were you so mean to Jelly and everyone? 

Bomby: What a stupid question. They were a bunch of stupid people talking about a stupid holiday. I felt like it. 

{Pounce: Didn't she just insult her own question?}

Bomby: Why do you like Christmas so much? 

Demi: Why do I like Christmas? Everlasting Cat, what a stupid question! Everyone is just so merry. It's so glamorous. _(She leans on Bomby)_

{Erin: I knew we shouldn't have put that part in. It always makes the actors laugh too hard. 

Elandy: But it's just so funny!} 

Bomby: _(has finally stopped laughing)_ Argh, if I hear one more person say that phrase, I'll scream! 

{Vicky: She already did. 

Elandy: Don't say other people's lines for them, Victoria. 

Vicky: I didn't, did I? 

Elandy: Yes. Watch.} 

Demi: Please don't, you already did. 

_Etcy and Tugger Lawerence enter through the door._

Etcy, Tugger: Merry Christmas! 

_Ivy screams and Demimber just shrugs._

{Tugger: I can't believe you cast me married to Etcetera! 

Erin: Aw, but it's just so cute!} 

Bomby: Well, if it isn't our dear cousin Etcy and her husband Tugger. 

Demi: Hi. What are you doing here? It is Christmas Eve after all. Shouldn't you be with your friends? 

Tugger: Oh, we have a reason. 

Etcy: And a Christmas-y reason. 

_Etcy takes off her coat and shivers. Tugger puts his arm around her._

{Erin: Put your arm around Etcetera, Tugger! 

Tugger: I don't wanna. 

Erin: You have to! You're married to her and you love her and besides, it's in the script 

_Tugger grudgingly puts his arm around Etcy. She screams. Tugger glares at Erin. Erin shrugs.}_

Etcy: Awful cold out there. 

Tugger: _(glares at Ivy)_ Even colder in here. 

Bomby: Well, if you have a reason then spit it out and get lost. 

Etcy: Well, Tuggie- 

{Tugger: _(in horror)_ TUGGIE!?! Now look what you've done Erin! 

Erin: Meh.} 

Etcy: -And I were planning to have dinner and have a few friends over on Christmas. You know-since my mom and dad and Uncle Deuty and Aunt Jenny are having their party. So- you guys wanna come? 

Bomby: Everlasting Cat, no. 

Demi: I'll be there. 

Etcy: Oh good. I hope you both come. 

Tugger: Hey, try to get a little Christmas Spirit, Ivy. 

_Tugger and Etcy turn to leave._

Bomby: Wait a minute, Etcy. Let me ask you something. Why did you get married anyway? 

Etcy: Why because I fell in love. {Yes, that's right! I love you Tugger! 

Tugger: Noooooooooooooooooooooooooo! 

Erin: _(clapping)_ Very good, Tugger. Longest sustained no so far. Anyone care to beat him?} 

Bomby: Love? Ha. Love is just an abstract emotion, created by weak people who needed something to live for and felt that being full of sap would increase their living to the fullest. 

{Lec: Wow… I didn't understand a word of that but it sounded pretty cool.} 

Etcy: I guess you've never been in love then Ivy. 

Tugger: Good bye Demimber. See you tomorrow. 

Etcy: I hope we'll see you too Ivy. 

_Tugger and Etcy put on their coats and leave._

Demi: Why are you so mean to everyone? Some day this will all backfire on you. And then you'll be sorry. 

_Demimber leaves._

Bomby: Backfire on me? Ha. Crazy talk. 

{Demi: Wow, my character's physic! 

Erin: Yeah… kind of… I guess.} 

**SCENE 5: The Spirit World**   
Gus: I told you Ivy was shrewd. 

Cass: Shrewd? I don't even know what that word means. {I object to this character. It makes me sound like a ditz. Um… what does shrewd mean anyway? 

Erin: And they wonder why I cast Cassandra as Rachel.} 

_So anyway, Cashel describes Ivy as shrewd- in different words-and she and Charlie have a disagreement._

{Munku: Why are they fighting? 

Erin: I don't know. I wasn't there when they wrote this part. 

Elandy: Yes you were. 

Erin: No I wasn't. I was in the hospital then. 

Misto: _(running over)_ You were in the hospital? 

Erin: Yes, I had an infected bone, had an IV for 10 days- I tell you guys this every day! 

Misto: Oh yeah. 

_Stepping away from this little drama,} Cashel and Rachel have begun to describe what will happen next._

Gus: Ivy liked the cold. The cold was cheap and Ivy liked cheap. She also liked to get her work done all the same. 

Cass: While Demimber was out with Halectra, Vicette and Olivabub, Ivy was at home, in her room. Alone, in the cold. 

Gus: Ivy liked her work. She liked the money it brought in. Although there was no work the next day, she would make up for it double. 

Cass: So Ivy sat alone in her room, listening to the least Christmas-y music she could find- working. 

Gus: Until something came that changed her life forever. 

**SCENE 6: Ivy's Bedroom**   
_(Ivy is sitting on her bed in a fluffy pink nightgown with a matching robe and slippers, reading a finance book and listening to **"Do You Hear The People Sing"** from **Les Misérables**.) _

Plato: _(as the voice on the CD)_ It is time for us all to decide who we are   
Do we fight for the right to a night at the opera now?   
Is this simply a game for rich young boys to play-   
{This is such a stupid role! I don't even get to appear onstage. 

Elandy: Ah, yes, but you get to appear for curtain call in a nifty gold and red vest so stop complaining. 

Plato: Ooh! Okay!} 

_Suddenly the music clicks off and the lights flicker._

Tant & Cori: We're Marley and Marley.   
Our hearts were black as stone.   
We took advantage of the poor,   
Just ignored the needy. 

We specialized in causing pain,   
Spreading fear and doubt.   
And if- 

{Tant: Okay, I'm not singing this anymore. 

Cori: Me neither. 

Erin: Why not? 

Cori: Because it's a cruel song. 

Erin: Fine. Just start saying the lines.} 

Tant: Hello Ivy. 

Bomby: Who… who are you? 

Cori: We're the ghosts of your old business partners. Martopat and- 

Tant: Marymile- 

Cori: Marley. 

{Tant: These are stupid names. 

Erin: You try to mix Mary and Marty with Tantomile and Coricopat better. 

Tant: Fine. Tantry… Marant… Tantory… Cority… Corty… Martcor… Marymile and Martopat! 

Erin: _(rolls eyes)_ That's what I said. 

Tant: Oh.} 

Bomby: You are not! 

Cori: Why do you doubt your senses Ivy? 

Bomby: Because they can lie! Yes, that's it. I had something wrong for dinner. 

Both: Do you doubt a touch? Nwahahahahahaha! 

{Jemi: They're really scary as the Marleys. 

Erin: Yeah, but it was either them or Mungojerrie and Rumpleteazer. 

Jerrie: 'Ey! Wot's wrong wit' us? 

Teazer: Yeah! We're serious! _(giggles)_

Jerrie: Shhhhh. 

Erin: I rest my point.} 

Bomby: Ah! You are real! But why do you wear those chains? 

Tant: Ooh, the chains! 

Cori: We forged these chains in life, by the things we did, said, believed. 

Bomby: Whazza? 

{Demi: "Whazza"? What does _that_ mean? 

Erin: Basically, it's just a variation of "what". 

Demi: Well, that's stupid. 

Elandy: Hey! Corey and Riley invented it, not us.} 

_Anyway, to make a really long scene short, the Marleys tell Ivy that they wear the chains because they were evil in life and Ivy wears a similar chain that was as thick three years ago-_

{Pounce: Their chains don't look very thick. They're wearing tinsel. 

Erin: Shut up Pouncival!} 

_-and in order to save her soul, Ivy will be visited by three ghosts._

Bomby: No thank you, I've had enough of that. 

Tant: Expect the first when the bell tolls one. 

Tant & Cori: We're Marley and Marley,   
Ooooooooooooooo… 

Bomby: Why can't I see them all at once and get it over with? 

{Tumble: Yeah, why can't she see them all at once? 

Pounce: Because that would be too easy. 

Erin: Very good Pouncival. You're catching on now. But I have go set up the smoke and bubble machines now. You can have a 5-minute break. 

Cats: Yay! _(begin running out of the theater)_

Erin: Wait! No spilling any food or drink on your costumes! 

Elandy: And I read "H2$". No breaking the candy machines. The camera will be watching you… 

Cats: Awwww... _(leave more slowly)_

Erin: Well, that was… interesting…} 

**_PART TWO COMING SOON!!!_**

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# A Modernized Christmas Carol- Part Two

### **Note:**

Okay... once again things taking place out of the play are in {}s... and I believe that's all you need to know. Except that Cats is © of... Andrew Llyod Webber, I guess, or maybe RUG. Um... A Modernized Christmas Carol is © of the 1999-2000 Performance Drama Class at NJH. The songs are © of whatever musical we took them from and whoever wrote them. Erin, Elandy and Brock are © of themselves, as are Riley, Corey and whoever else we manage to mention. And... yeah, that's it so, on to the story! 

{Vicky: Erin, can I talk to you? 

Erin: Sure. _(Vicky whispers in her ear)_ Sure, I'd be glad to. 

Misto: _(popping up behind them)_ Hey girls. What are we talking about? 

Vicky: None of your business. _(glares and then walks backstage)_

Erin: It's a secret. Sorry. 

Misto: Come on. You can tell me… please??? 

Erin: Well… okay. Victoria wants _(whispers in his ear)_ song. Don't tell, okay? 

Misto: Sure. 

Erin: Good. Now go get changed into your Scott costume. Now, let's start!} 

**SCENE 7: Ivy's Bedroom**   
_Vicky tiptoes in, bubbles and smoke accompanying her. She is wearing a white halter-top, white capris with a white "crown", white purse and a white wand with a card attached to it._

{Munku: Victoria as a snotty high school student? No- that's not type casting. 

Erin: Exactly! I'm brilliant! Yay Erin, how wonderful of you to think of casting Victoria as Christmas Past. 

Munku: Ah… yes Erin. 

Vicky: Hello, back to me here!} Hello? Hello? Wakey-wakey? Oh, I do not have time for this! _(hits Ivy with her wand)_ Wake up! 

Bomby: _(mumbles)_ Vicette? What are you doing in my room? 

Vicky: Why, I'm not Vicette. {What? I thought I was Vicette! 

Erin: No, you just appear as Vicette when being Christmas Past. 

Elandy: It was a theory we had. 

Erin: Yeah. Christmas Past was one of her old friends, Christmas Present was her father and Christmas Future was her soon-to-be boyfriend. 

Elandy: So that each of the people were from that section of her life. 

Tugger: Wow, you guys read way too into that. 

Munku: You mean, you read into that way too much. 

Tugger: Don't correct my grammar! You wanna go? 

Vicky: Shut up! I'm trying to act here!} Didn't the Marley's tell you? I'm the Angel of Christmas Past! 

Bomby: Where are your wings? 

Vicky: I don't do that wing thing. It's just so tacky, luv. {Luv? I sound like Rumpleteazer now! What are you trying to do to me!?! 

Teazer: 'Ey! There's nothin' wrong wit' me! 

Jerrie: Yeah! Stop makin' fun of Teaza! 

Erin: Would you all be quiet? This doesn't have anything to do with Rumpleteazer. 

Elandy: Yeah, it's because when Erin played Christmas Past she always called everyone "luv", so we put that in to fit her. 

Vicky: Hello? Acting! Pay attention to Victoria!} Hmm, let me look at my time card. Ivy Bombers. Age 28. Grumpy greedy money-hungry rich bit- 

Bomby: Ah! PG. 

{Pounce: Yeah, Vicky. PG-don't swear. 

Erin: Shut up Pouncival! 

Elandy: It was part of the play.} 

Vicky: You're what we call an "extreme" case. I don't know why the Marleys didn't call me earlier. 

Bomby: What do you mean "extreme"? 

Vicky: You've gone too far. Now you must see your shadows. 

Bomby: Whazza? 

Vicky: Back to high school. 

{Demi: There's that whazza word again. 

Erin: What do you want me to do? Call Riley and Corey here? 

Demi: Yes! 

Erin: Fine! I'll get them when I return Sillabub. 

Sillabub: You're returning me? 

Erin: Yes. New York needs you and I think you scare Jemima. 

Jemi: Darn straight she does! 

Jelly: Jemima! Language! 

Jemi: But I didn't swear! 

Elandy: Err… let's move on to the next scene.} 

**SCENE 8: Ivy's Old High School**   
_The curtains open to reveal Ivy and Christmas Past standing amid a cloud of smoke and bubbles. The smoke and bubbles clear to show… the Into The Woods set???_

{Erin: Whoa, Tantomile! Why is my school musical's set onstage? This is supposed to be Ivy's high school. 

Tant: Yeah… but we couldn't find the proper set. 

Erin: You couldn't find it? I can see it from where I'm sitting! It's right there! Behind the Our Town trellis. 

Tant: Oh. Sorry. 

Erin: Which reminds me, you guys are probably going to be doing Our Town soon. 

Cats: Nooooooooooooooooooooooo! 

Erin: Quiet you. It'll be fun.} 

_Anyway, Ivy and Christmas Past are standing amid a cloud of bubbles and smoke. It gradually clears to show Ivy's old high school._

Vicky: Here we are. Christmas Eve, 1986. 

Bomby: 1986? Grade 10? 

Vicky: Yesums. 

{Demi: Yesums? What does that mean? 

Erin: Okay, I made that one up. It means yes.} 

Vicky: Well, here are a few of your old friends. Have fun! 

{Bomby: Wait! How can I play Old _and_ Young Ivy? 

Elandy: Just do it like they do in Our Town. That's we did for most of us productions. 

Bomby: Well, I refuse to play two characters at one time. 

Skimble: Now you know how I felt during Jellicle and Hide. 

Erin: But I didn't _cast_ a Young Ivy! 

Bomby: Well cast one now! 

Erin: _(looks down at her cast list and sighs as she sees the only possible choice)_ Rumpleteazer, would you please play Young Ivy? 

Teazer: Suryah! Oi'd love ta! 

Erin: _(shaking head)_ Oh dear.} 

Lec: I'm so glad today's Christmas Eve. 

Teazer: Me too! Oi love Christmas! 

Bomby: What?!? I don't love Christmas! I hate it, hate it with a burning passion. 

Sillabub: That's great. _{(Jemima opens her mouth to scream, but Etcetera covers it)}_ I love Christmas too. 

_To save all of our eardrums, we'll just summarize this scene. Katra and Anitabub convince Ivy to go to her best friend Jemeth's party because "Someone Special" might be there._

{Munku: That's not foreshadowing. 

Elandy: Hush hush. 

Tugger: Why aren't they singing the song? 

Erin: Because we wrote it, and it's kind of pathetic so I just used the narration to cover it. Let's go back to the play.} 

Teazer: Yeah, Oi guess Oi'll go. 

_The bell rings… and rings… and rings…_

{Erin: Okay, you can stop now. 

Tant: Oh no I can't! It broke. 

Erin: Oh god, everyone's so incompetent. Misto, honey… HELP! _(Misto points a paw and the bell stops ringing)_ Thanks. 

Misto: All part of being the magical, mystical, marvelous, magical Mr. Mistoffelees! 

Tugger: And they say _I'm_ conceited. 

_Suddenly a boy "flies" onto the stage and lands near Tugger._

Boy: They say I'm conceited too! And I say: Conceited?   
Not me!   
It's just that I am what I am…   
And I'm meeeee!   
I gotta crow. _(crows)_

Erin: Brock! We're not doing Peter Pan right now and besides, just because you got Peter doesn't mean you can show off! 

Brock: I thought you could use some input. 

Erin: _(sighs)_ Fine, you can stay. Just… no random breaking into song, no talking and no flying! 

Brock: Okay.} 

Lec: We better go to English class now. 

Silla: Yeah, we can't afford to be late again. 

_Ivy begins to follow them but Christmas Past pulls her back._

Vicky: You no longer need to see this. Now we must go to the party. 

_They exit with smoke and bubbles._

**SCENE 9: Beth's House**   
_Christmas Past and Ivy enter the scene with the now trademark smoke and bubbles to see an elaborate dance number._

{Erin: Why exactly are they performing the Jellicle Ball? 

Elandy: I think it's the only dance they know. 

Brock: Wow, those cats sure can dance. They'd be great in Peter Pan. 

Erin: I thought you weren't going to talk. 

Brock: Meh.} 

_Young Ivy, after leading a section of dance, walks over to the refreshment table- the one Ivy and Christmas Past are standing behind._

Bomby: Can I talk to her? 

Vicky: No you can not. These are only shadows- memories- remember? Now watch! 

{Erin: Jemima, I know you've got to go onstage in like 3 seconds but… I know your one of my best friends but if you get too close to Misto in your scene together- I'll personally kill you. 

Jemi: And the sad thing is that you're not the most possessive one here.} 

_Jemeth drags a tom over to Young Ivy._

Jemi: Hey, Ivy! I have someone I want you to meet. _(she presents the tom)_ Ivy, this a friend of our family, Mistott McKinelees. 

Bomby: I'd almost forgotten him. 

{Demi: Even though I just mentioned him to her. 

Erin: Okay, so Ivy's not in the habit of listening to people.} 

Jemi: I thought you'd have something in common since you're both performers and stuff. 

_Through a ballet scene, we see Young Ivy and Mistott talk, dance and begin to "fall in love" as Jemeth watches on, realizing what she had just done and the other guests dance on, oblivious. Ivy tries to join in as Christmas Past pulls her back each time._

{Teazer: Bast, that was tirin'. 

Erin: That's because you had to do the altered version because Bomby wouldn't play both roles. The altered version is longer. 

All involved in dance: BOMBY!!! 

Bomby: Sorry.} 

Vicky: You had another Christmas Eve with Mistott. 

Bomby: I don't remember. 

Vicky: Well, you're not with him now, are you? 

Bomby: No. 

Vicky: Why? 

Bomby: I don't know. 

Vicky: _(stamps foot)_ You should! Oh, come on. I'll have to show you. 

**SCENE 10: Ivy's High School**   
_Ivy and Christmas Past appear in the smoke and bubbles._

{Pounce: Wow, it's magic! That's _sooooo_ cool! 

Erin: _(stares)_ It's a smoke machine and a bubble machine. 

Pounce: Oh. _(looks embarrassed)_} 

_Young Ivy is sitting on a bench, reading a textbook. Mistott notices her and runs up behind her._

Bomby: Wait! Spirit, what year is this? 

Vicky: 1988. Grade 11/12. Do you remember now? 

Bomby: I… I think so. 

Misto: Hey, Ivy! Merry Christmas! Look at what I got for you! _(pulls a bouquet of flowers out from behind his back)_

Teazer: Oh, Mistott, don't make this 'arder den it is. 

Misto: Make _what_ harder? 

Teazer: Well, Oi've been so busy wit' university prep course an' all… Oi think we should break up. 

Misto: _(throws the bouquet at her)_ Ivy! 

Teazer: Good bye Mistott. 

Vicky: Do you see what you did to people around you? 

Bomby: So… so I broke up with Mistott. I'm sure he got over it. 

Vicky: He did. Don't worry about it. But do you know what happened after you ran off to university? 

Bomby: No… 

Vicky: I'll show you. _(she stoops and picks up the bouquet and waves it. Mistott slowly exits and Jemeth enters to take his place on the bench)_

Jemi: _(talking sadly to Mistott, who is offstage)_ Goodbye Mistott…   
On my own, pretending he's beside me.   
All alone, I walk with him 'til morning. 

{Tumble: Not this song again! It's so annoying! 

Erin: Fine. You people whine too much. Go to the end, Jemima.} 

Jemi: I love him, but everyday I'm learning,   
All my life I've only been pretending.   
Without me, his world will go on turning-   
A world that's full of happiness that I have never knooooooooooooooooooown! 

{Lec: Stupid divas- holding their notes for so long, while I didn't even get to sing my song.}

Bomby: So Jemeth liked- excuse me- loved Mistott. So what? 

Vicky: _(stares)_ You didn't know? Didn't anyone tell you what happened while you were away at university? 

Bomby: No. Or if they did, I didn't listen. 

Vicky: You never do. Come on, I'll show you. 

**SCENE 11: Outside the High School**   
_When the smoke and bubbles clear, Ivy and Christmas Past are standing behind a bench outside the school._

Vicky: You took all those extra courses and graduated a year early. Mistott and Jemeth and everyone stayed here. And while you were gone… 

_Mistott enters and sits on the bench._

Misto: Can this be?   
Have I really lost my way?   
Have I lost my love?   
Will I lose the day? {What a stupid song! 

Erin: Yeah. It's so redundant! 

Elandy: Hey, once again, it's all Corey and Riley's fault.} 

_Jemeth enters and starts to walk up behind Mistott._

Bomby: He's still upset over me? 

Vicky: Shhh. Watch. 

Jemi: Without you,   
The ground thaws,   
The rain falls,   
The grass grows. 

Misto: Ivy!?! _(turns around)_

Jemi: Shhh. No, it's me.   
Without you,   
The seeds root,   
The flowers bloom,   
The children play. 

The stars gleam,   
The poets dream,   
The eagles fly,   
Without you. 

The earth turns,   
The sun burns,   
But I die-   
Without you. 

Without you,   
The breeze warms- 

{Jelly: _(crying)_ This is so beautiful. 

Erin: _(proudly)_ I originated this role!} 

Jemi: The girl smiles,   
The cloud moves. 

Without you,   
The tides change,   
The boys run,   
The oceans crash. 

The crowds roar,   
The days soar,   
The babies cry,   
Without you. 

The moon glows,   
The river flows.   
But I die-   
Without you. 

_Mistott is beginning to smile at Jemeth._

Misto: The world revives. 

Jemi: Colors renew.   
But I know blue, only blue. 

Misto: Lonely blue. 

_{All the backstage queens are crying now._

Jenny: So pretty…} 

Jemi & Misto: Within me, blue.   
Without you. 

Jemi: Without you,   
The paw gropes,   
The ear hears…   
The pulse beats. 

Misto: Without you,   
The eyes gaze,   
The legs walk…   
The lungs breathe. 

Misto & Jemi: _(Although Jemi says it just after Misto, almost as an echo)_   
The mind churns.   
The heart yearns.   
The tears dry…   
Without you. _(getting really into it)_

Life goes on.   
But I'm gone!   
Cause I die- 

Misto: Without you… 

Jemi: Without you… 

Misto: Without you! 

Both: Without you!!! 

{Jenny: Oh, that was beautiful. 

Erin: Yes yes, it was. But you'll have to top it with your next song. 

Misto: Not another one! I'm not a singer… 

Erin: But you sing so pretty… 

Misto: _(complete change of attitude)_ I'd love to sing your song.} 

Jemi: Mistott… I… I think- no I know that I… love you. I've known for a long time. 

Misto: But you introduced me to Ivy. 

Jemi: Yeah… but I didn't think you two would start going out! I… I just wanted her to approve of you. 

Misto: Well, I think I might love you too. I mean, you were always there for me- when me and Ivy broke up, even when Ivy was being a bi- 

{Jelly: Mistoffelees! 

Erin: It's in the script!} 

Misto: -tch when we were dating. 

Jemi: Well, we were friends long before I fell in love with you. And I couldn't ignore that- even when I was upset with you for dating Ivy. 

{Erin: This was my favorite number when I was in the show. Jemi and Misto, I know that you two won't mess it up, but if you guys _(she glares at Tugger, Tumble and Pounce)_ do, I'll kill you. 

Pounce: Hey! Why are you glaring at us? 

Erin: Who always talks during my play? Now, shhh.} 

Jemi: Live in my house,   
I'll be your shelter,   
Just pay me back with 1000 kisses.   
Be my lover- I'll cover you. 

{Pounce: _(quietly to Yulanda)_ What's with all the Rent songs? 

Elandy: Erin was the Original Beth, Erin like Rent. And hate to compliment her- but the Rent songs fit her voice best. Now quiet before she realizes we're talking.} 

Misto: Open your door,   
I'll be your tenant,   
Don't got much baggage   
To lay at your feet.   
But sweet kisses I've got to spare.   
I'll be there- I'll cover you. 

Misto & Jemi: I think they meant it   
When they said you can't buy love,   
Now I know you can rent it,   
A new lease you are, my love,   
On life- Be my life. 

Jemi: Just slip me on,   
I'll be your blanket. 

Misto: Wherever- Whatever-   
I'll be your coat. 

Jemi: You'll be my king   
And I'll be your castle 

Misto: No, you be my queen   
And I'll be your moat 

{Tugger: Some of this meaning is lost with a guy and a girl singing it. 

Demi: Shhh. I think it's beautiful. 

Tugger: You would.} 

Misto & Jemi: I think they meant it   
When they said you can't buy love.   
Now I know you can rent it.   
A new lease you are, my love,   
On life 

All my life   
I've longed to discover   
Something as true as this is. _(they embrace)_

{Jelly: How come they always get to finish their songs? 

Erin: I thought I said to be quiet! And it's because I enjoy their songs and generally no one interrupts them. Now, it's almost over so let them finish, huh? 

Jelly: Hmph.} 

_They pull apart and hold both hands, facing each other- much like the real production._

Misto: So with a thousand sweet kisses   
I'll cover you 

Jemi: If you're cold   
And you're lonely 

Misto: With a thousand sweet kisses   
I'll cover you 

Jemi: You've got one nickel only 

Misto: When you're worn out   
and tired 

Jemi: With a thousand sweet kisses   
I'll cover you 

Misto: When your heart has expireeeeeed! 

Jemi:With a thousand sweet kisses   
I'll cover you 

_Jemeth stands in front of Mistott and he puts his arms around her, like Collins and Angel in Rent._

Misto & Jemi: Oh lover, I'll cover you.   
Ooooh lover, I'll cover yooooou! 

_Mistott and Jemeth run offstage together._

Bomby: She stole my boyfriend! I could kill her! 

Vicky: You broke up with him a year before. How could you blame her? At least she didn't come on to him right after you two broke up. She's a mighty good best friend. 

Bomby: She was _never_ my best friend. 

Vicky: Of course she was. Don't you remember everything you did together? 

Bomby: Like what? 

Vicky: Do I really have to show you _everything?_ Come on. 

**SCENE 12: A Random Stage**   
_Young Ivy, Jemeth and Demimber are performing onstage. Ivy and Christmas Past enter and watch._

{Teazer: Oi thought Oi was done fer this play. 

Erin: Well, your not, so go dance away. 

Brock: I could take her place! 

Erin: _(rolling her eyes)_ No, no you couldn't Brock. It's not the same as playing a role of a boy that a girl usually plays. Now you be quiet. 

Brock: Righty-o! 

Erin: _(aside)_ How do I get stuck with these people?} 

Bomby: What's this? 

Vicky: This is the grade 10 talent show. You had fun with that. See, you were best friends. 

{Brock: What's the point of this scene? 

Elandy: Well, it's basically just so that the three girls can show off. 

Munku: Then can we skip it and have a break instead? 

Erin: No! You can have a break during intermission. Which is really soon. But if it'll make you happy, we'll skip to the end of the scene- which is Jemima's part of the song.} 

Jemi: I don't know what they were for or against really, except each other. I mean I was born to save the marriage. But when my father brought me and my mother home from the hospital, he said 'Well I thought this was going to help, but I guess it's not'. Anyway, I did have a fantastic fantasy life. I used to dance around the living room with my arms up like this. My fantasy was that there was this Indian chief. And he'd say 'Maggie do you want to dance?' And I'd say 'Daddy, I would love to dance.' 

{Elandy: You do realize that they're plotting, right? _(points to the toms who are whispering to each other.)_

Erin: Yeah, I know. It'll be interesting to see what their trying to do.} 

Demi: But it was clear... 

Teazer: When 'e proposed... 

Jemi: That I was born to help their marriage and when 

Teazer: That's wot 'e said... 

Demi: That's what she said... 

Jemi: I used to dance around the living room... 

Teazer: 'E wosn't warm... 

Demi: Not to her... 

Jemi: It was an Indian chief and he'd say   
'Maggie do you want to dance?'   
And I'd say 'Daddy I would love to...' 

Jemi: Everything was beautiful at the ballet   
Raise your arms and someone's always there   
Yes everything was beautiful at the ballet...   
At the ballet...At the ballet... 

_{Suddenly the toms run onstage, taking the girls' place.}_

Munku, Misto, Pounce, Tumble, and Tugger:   
Everything is beautiful on our coffee break.   
Reach out your hand and coffee's always there.   
Yes, everything is beautiful on our coffee break. 

Munku: I'm thirsty! 

Misto: I'm hungry! 

Pounce: I need coffee! 

Toms: On our coffee break… 

{Erin: You guys are really pathetic at parodying lyrics. 

Tumble: It wasn't our fault! _He_ wrote them. 

Erin: Brock? 

Brock: Yeah! I need coffee! Come on guys, let's stage a formal protest! 

Erin: _(rolls eyes)_ No need for that. I don't care anymore. Go have your break. 

Misto: I'll stay here with you. 

_Erin and Misto sit in the theater seats while everyone else runs out to enjoy their coffee.}_

**_PART THREE COMING WHENEVER I WRITE IT!!!_**

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